I admit, staying in the church continues to hurt. I decided to stay active as much as possible.
After earnestly seeking answers to why all the changes from the days of Joseph as compared to today, wondering why we have no Zion to join and weeping for Zion since 2008... along the way, I was alienated by my LDS wife, and secretly she helped alienate me from my family and hers, and our ward family/friends. My questioning, and search for truth about our church history and present condition, eventually led to my wife of 16 yrs squeezing me out of our relationship. It was a 3 year process. I tried to keep the relationship together. I was denied baptizing my only son, and my next daughter, and was even recently totally un-included at all in my son's ordination to Aaronic priesthood, I have not been given callings since 2009, seen as some weird apostate and left alone by church leaders and family when comfort was needed most. I have been a good member my whole life. I served a mission in NYCS. Always paid tithing. Married in the temple. I served in numerous callings, even as Elder's President and Sunday School President. All I wanted was answers. I was concerned for my own salvation and that of my family after finding out about the final temple ordinance that used to be done in the church... and simply sought to find out if there were some doing all the ordinances and prepared to be a part of Zion in or out of the church... along with having real connections with the Father and Son. I have been mostly meek and humble during my search. I searched far and wide to look for a people who knew about the fullness and looking forward to the real return of Zion as spoken of in the prophecies in scripture. I simply wanted true religion. I did not experience much comfort from LDS family and wards... in fact, all of my discomfort came from there. I was being squeezed out of my own LDS world, for simply asking questions and researching about Zion and Church History. For a time I looked into break off groups, and they too reject me for thinking they too do not hold a real fullness and greater connection with heaven. I saw the same issues I found among our mainstream church, even while they live things that Joseph Smith lived and we do not.
Today, I still try to repair broken relationships. I still do not get much chance to talk with my siblings and parents about what I really know or understand, as they try to avoid any meaningful discussions with me as much as possible. My past bishop knew my concerns, most of them, and allowed me to keep my recommend. I have talked with my new bishop about some of my concerns about the church, and he doesn't bother us or check in on us like he use to. In fact so did all the other local organizational heads in the church. I want to help my wife get baptized, but it's hard for her to want to after seeing what my own family and wards have done with me.
Through the past 7 yrs, I wouldn't change a thing. All the alienation and neglect, helped me turn to the Lord. It helped propel me to search and repent even harder. It helped me to get closer to a Savior who was ready and willing to comfort in time of need. While rejected by my own, and still trying to be a part of my LDS world though still being pushed out of it... I KNOW that our redeemer lives. I KNOW that which I have suffered from my own, was worth it. I know Holy Priesthood can be given from the Lord. Calling and election is real. Sealing power can be had outside the institution - one that will only further persecute me more for saying so. Surely, the truth can set us free. If everyone only knew how willing the Father and Son are to grant these things to individuals, no matter their church acceptance or calling... surely the minds of the people would be free. Hold to the rod or the word of the Lord to you. Have compassion for those who misunderstand in that comfortable and spaceous church building that mocks and persecutes you! Now is the time to prepare for Zion. Now is the time to connect with the Lord no matter what you go through. Great things will soon be had among us gentiles once again, now is the time to be prepared and invited when the time comes. The gospel is real. Experiences from on high do come! Things you may not be able to fully explain (bad and good) will occur! Angels, revelation, visions, word of the Lord, promises, most amazing feelings of love and light that you will never ever forget, revelation that will boggle your mind and work against your own understandings for a time... It's all part of the path. That individual path you must take with the Lord on your own, no matter where you go on Sunday and what goes on in your mortal world. Receive your own testimony from the Savior and the Father that no man can take away. These are they who receive of the "testimony of Jesus". These are they who go on to meet Him face to face. These are they who are part of the church of the Firstborn before standing in His actual presence or meeting the Father at some point. These are they who are of the Church of Christ, even if churches or people on earth do not observe or notice you are a part of it! There are save two Churches...
